An Open Letter to My Chronic Illness

Confessions of a pain and fatigue warrior

Dear illness, there are so many things I need to tell you. As I’m writing these words, I hope that you will somehow hear me. When you came into my life, my world changed in so many ways. I would cry. I would hate you. You crushed me.

Time is always running after me. While hating you would be easy, I’m choosing to forgive you. Today, I choose to see how you can light the way to buried wonders.

I forgive you for all the times that you made me feel weak and limited. You lead me to always choose comfort over convenience. You taught me the importance of resting and made me promise myself that I would do so daily. I realize today how ephemeral the human’s life force can be.

I’m learning, along your side, to find all the courage that I have left to ask for help and open up about my vulnerability. More than ever, I embrace authenticity. Opening up makes me stronger and braver than I used to be.

I’m grateful for my ever-expanding compassion. I have lived through so much pain and, today, I can no longer ignore other people’s wounds, and neither can I look away from my own. Even in the soil of hopelessness, the seed of my resilience grows. No matter where the wind blows, I make more room within myself for kindness and peace.

More than ever, I choose my friends and loved ones carefully. Many people will cross my road, and it’s up to me to chose whether I let them in, or set them free. I keep in mind how scarce is my energy and will only live mindfully.

While I’m in the hope that you won’t always take so much room in my life, you will no longer be unwelcome. With you along my side, I will fail and cry, but I will grow, and when I’ll look back, I’ll know that my pain will fuel my resilience beautifully. Nothing will stop me.

I promise you, today, that I’ll always be grateful for what you teach me, and If I were to spread only dust of hope, I’ll know that I’ve lived my life purposefully.